The Empowerment of Friendship

If we are talking about empowerment and how it is created, then recently, a friend of mine from a Greek migrant background, provided an excellent example. My friend, whose loyalty, friendship, sensitivity and humanity I had always admired and valued, wrote and signed off an email by saying in the simplest of salutations; “Love!—Bill.”

The simple beauty of Bill’s honest and direct feelings held a power, if not magic that is seldom seen, but in my view, forms the essence of empowerment. That is, the confidence to honestly express feelings of friendship to each other. When I thought about this simple expression, Bill’s honesty held an impact far greater than any other salutation. I knew it was genuine and heartfelt.

This led me to think, how often do men say this to other men? While women will naturally express feelings as part of their empathic and more robust social skills, it has been found in peer Support Groups, that men are more likely to hide or disguise their emotions from a fear that expressing emotions is an admission of weakness. Yet, an accepted view of psychologists is that it is better for our health and wellbeing that we express emotions.

Statistics support the view that women are more empowered to discuss emotional issues and more likely to attend discussion groups than men. For example, women are five times more likely to cry than men according to Psychologist Christine Bagley-Jones.

In reflecting upon what friends meant to him not long before his own eventual demise, that great English playwright composer, wit and singer, Noel Coward, concluded in his poem, “When I have Fears,” that:

“I’ll console myself with vanished years,

Remembered laughter, remembered tears,

And the peace of a changing sea.

Of remembered friends who are dead and gone,

How happy they are I cannot know,

But happy am I who loved them so.”

It seems Noel’s sentiments express the essence of how we need reflect upon our own lives and friendships with people around us who depart or die before us. Common sense says that accepting such a position offers greater empowerment in accepting responsibility for our relationships. Yet, perhaps most importantly, why not think this way about those still living? How happy are we who love them so? But, do we offer this show of affection when our friends lived? Or when we had the opportunity to say or do something face to face? Or, do we let such moments slip silently away like nightly dreams? Perhaps such significant feelings overlooked are a far greater form of disempowerment than we might imagine.

Maybe in our daily rush, we often do not find the time to reflect upon what friends really mean to us. Do we take them for granted and assume they will always be there? Perhaps we think sometimes the word “love” is just easy to impetuously blurt out without thinking of its true import, or alternatively, feel apprehensive about saying it for fear of being misinterpreted? We may also ponder, by careless use of this word, are we devaluing it’s meaning? At other times the word love might be scary, for it holds unstated meanings often misunderstood in that eternal tension between genders.

Thinking about it from another perspective, our friends, present or past, of all kinds, of whatever age and gender, sizes and qualities, are similar to a Jeweller’s tray of precious and semi-precious gemstones. Some, as hard, incorruptible and pure as Diamonds, or others rich and deeply glowing as Opals in their spectrum of rainbow colours, or passionate as blood red Rubies? Perhaps cool, clear, deep and reflective like colours of Sapphires, or textures soft and flaky like Amber. But, all these gems actually reflect different constituents, like those found in diversity of our friendships. Maybe the contrasts are like a more humdrum, reliable and everyday stones such as metamorphic Agate, Lignite’s Jed, or Lead found in Crystal, which more accurately represent everyday relationships.

However, it doesn’t matter. All qualities in their disparate confirmations form part of our complex lives and create treasures to be held close. Certainly not to be discouraged upon perceived monetary value, but utilised and treasured, held to our chests for their disparate yet beautiful qualities, as with a precious necklace.

It is all too easy to feel sad over loss of friends for whatever reason, to hold regrets, or sadness at their departure and then think, “If only!” Or “Could I have?” Or “Why didn’t I make that extra effort at the time?” Yes, there is such a thing as incompatibility, where once there were qualities which formed an early friendship, but these change as we grow up and develop differing personal needs and interests. We do not have to be friends with everyone forever. Like words from that great song of Stephen Sondheim’s, “Send In The Clowns,” which expresses so beautifully the complexities of falling out of love and a relationship. One verse says:

“Isn't it bliss,

Don't you approve

One who keeps tearing around,

One who can't move

But where are the clowns?

There ought to be clowns

Don’t worry they’re here.”

Sometimes, we grow apart emotionally and intellectually. Maybe travel or distance becomes the barrier. Isabel Allende didn’t think so, for in her book “Paula,” she talks about lack of contact and intermittent contact actually enhancing her passions.

So the obvious reality is that our friendships can change. We may grow apart in maturity, emotionally and professionally. Empowerment allows us to recognise this fact. Self-empowerment allows us to accept friendships with honesty and courage. Adam Lindsay Gordon, that famous English born, but great Australian poet, in thinking about attitudes we need adopt towards others and to our own lives, concluded in his poem, Ye Weary Wayfarer,

“Life is mainly froth and bubble,

Two things stand like stone.

Kindness in another’s trouble,

Courage in your own.”

To be kind to others when they are in trouble does of itself, require courage, but this is also part of a strength we need to show if we offer, or express love towards friends, or more especially those with failings, or disabilities.

Often our reluctance to take such risk is based upon our own fears of being hurt, or rejected. In an excellent 1962 film called “The Counterfeit Traitor,” a true concept of the courage of friendship is illustrated when, at the beginning, William Holden acting as Eric Erickson, a real-life Swedish businessman, abuses his Jewish friend Max Gumpel, spurning him in order to impress Germans of his supposed allegiance to Nazi Germany. He takes this step in order that he might travel throughout Germany to gain industrial secrets. Yet, at the film’s end, on Erickson’s return, the first person to greet him on his arrival in Sweden is his friend Max who says,

“I knew that when you insulted me, it wasn’t true. I knew you too well as a friend to believe what you said.” Are we also likewise empowered by our friendships to withstand similar foibles?

As writer Elizabeth Jolly said in, “On Learning To Dance,” “Friendship like love has to be sincere. It requires complete trust between the people concerned. It requires the ability to give and accept without reservation.” In his autobiography, philosopher Bertram Russel adds to this understanding by saying, “In human relations, one should penetrate to the core of loneliness in each person and speak to that.”

Sometimes when faced with such challenges, our hesitant thoughts plague us and in turn, make us weaker, or ineffectual. We may feel lesser only to be then plagued by further remorse for what we feel we should have said, or shrug it off as something we should have done, or we just couldn’t care then become indifferent? The opposite of love is not hatred, it is indifference. It takes courage to beat this.

Never the less, forsaken, spent, unfulfilled, or lost, we should remember friends as precious objects, their differences, colour, brilliance and depth of character, however shallow, pure, or infrequent, is best remembered as a precious, or semi-precious stone. Perhaps wanting for a little polish, or a finer cut to display their full beauty. Perhaps as Paulo Coelho writes in his book, “The Alchemist,”

“The song of the world is nourished by people's happiness.”

Then it is time to create a necklace of remembrances.

In that outstanding song, “What a Wonderful World,” with lyrics written by Bob Teale and George David Weiss and made famous by Louis Armstrong’s genuine earthy and distinguished gravel voice, perhaps the simplest essence of friendship is captured by these words,

“I see friends shaking hands

Saying how do you do,

They’re really saying,

I love you!”

When I reflect upon it, my friend Bill said this challenging word love and I have to ask, can I do likewise? Next time you shake a friend’s hand or give that gentle hug, can you feel and say likewise, feel and express what empowerment of your friendship really means? If so, you might find friendships flourishing and be able to display them proudly, growing over time as a splendid necklace of love. Now, how empowering is that?